Although Jesus Cabrón (JC) was the primary miracle-worker, he let Tequila Jesus turn water into wine. Tijuana Jesus broke out of the tomb.
God the Chocolatier multiplied loaves and fish. At the time there was no Aramaic word for chocolate brioche.
Machete Jesus cleared the temple. He was also responsible for the verse “If thy hand offend thee, cut it off.”
The Gospel of the Gadarene Swine, the bloodiest book in biblical history, devotes two chapters to the cleansing. Its account ends with Jesus saying “Go and sin no more” to a severed head just before he kicks it down the temple steps.
“I come not to bring peace, but a machete,” he tells his disciples afterwards. “He that hath no blade, let him sell his coat and buy one.”