Why They Think He Is Christian

christ cleansing-of-the-temple

He is made uncomfortable by profanity.

He speaks constantly of virtue and vice, sin and salvation, rapture, redemption and righteousness.

He forgives wrongdoers theatrically, making the sign of the cross and murmuring te absolvos.

Those offenders he does not forgive he tortures with parables and lyrical speeches on the majesty of burning.

He has strong opinions about Nebuchadnezzar II.

He has even stronger opinions about Sennacherib.

He has been heard whispering “a Christian pig, a most Christian pig” to pork chops at his local supermarket.

He reenacts the Battle of Lepanto in public baths.

He reads First Things once a month, Augustine’s Confessions once a year and the Summa Theologica when he is in the mood for self-flagellation.

He daily calls down fire by which the prophets of Baal are consumed.

He makes his hamsters saints and his guineapigs flames of fire.

His moral compass points him toward Jerusalem and Rome.

He has read the Book of Malachi.

Although he prefers being a spectator at beheadings, he retains his fondness for self-sacrifice.

He is moved to violent passion by El Greco’s work.

It took a dose of benzodiazepines to stop him dreaming about Reinhold Niebuhr.

He rings his friends round with circles of piety.

He would willingly drown in the Jordan or the Euphrates. He learned to swim in the Sea of Galilee.

He remembers Zion even when he is not by Babylon’s rivers.